Take a household of Indo-Pakistani descent and mention the word "sex".
Now sit back and enjoy, as you're guaranteed to create an atmosphere of immense akwardness not to mention a severe reprimand from the elders for not having any 'Sharam', shame in Urdu.
Don't just mention the word for the sake of it though, ask a valid question like
"what does Islam teach us about sex?"Over the past few years I've noticed how difficult it is to approach this very important topic particularly when talking to Fathers or certain Imaams/elders who are loathe to discuss the matter because it contravenes the Indo-Pakistani
cultural values & norms that have been engrained into their mindset. Unfortunately in all cases that I'm aware of the resistance has come from Indo-Pakistani elders.
It is these set of subcontinental values that prevents them from having that very important discussion with their sons, let's not even mention daughters, about the rights and wrongs of sex i.e. what is and isn't allowed?
For them the avoidance of an awkward situation is an easier and far better option which unfortunately means that their children have to search elsewhere for answers.
Having looked into this area with some very high level research I am passionate about the promotion of Islamic sexual education (it does exist, I assure you!) in both Mosques and homes.
Of course, it is absolutely necessary that such discussions take place with appropriate etiquettes, i.e. Men to be taught by Men and Women by Women, but such discussions are a necessity to ensure that we as Muslims know our boundaries so that we stay away from sin.
Young Muslims growing up in the West are a minority, they live in a society that is highly sexualised. Some of this is evident through items regarded as normal & routine in our society e.g. Page 3 girls in the UK or casual references to sex on TV programmes i.e. boasting of multiple of sexual exploits like in successful US programmes such as Friends or Sex in the City. At the other end of the spectrum there are sexual issues which are considered problematic for society as a whole e.g. high levels of teenage pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
Irrespective of which end of the spectrum you look at these issues are present in everyday life and whilst we may try our best to shield ourselves from them we can't escape the fact that these issues are real, they exist and undoubtedly will be a source of influence for young Muslim minds.
In this type of environment it doesn't suffice to simply stick our head into the sand and pretend that the problem doesn't exist, to do so would be foolish. Instead we need to grab the bull by the horns and young Muslims need to be educated about sex, I personally believe that it's a duty of every Muslim Parent/Imaam or leader of the congregation.
Consider the following questions, all of which are valid from the viewpoint of a young Muslim;
- Is oral sex allowed?
- Is anal sex allowed?
I'd be very surprised if someone could muster up the courage to ask those questions to their father, uncle, older brother, Imaam etc. The Indo-Pakistani concept of "Sharam" rears its ugly head and prevents us from asking these questions. However if you don't know the answer to these questions then how do you know what's wrong and what's right?
In case you were wondering the answer to the 2 questions above is, 'no', as proven by the following verse from Surah Al Baqarah in the Quran.
"Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allah to bestow upon you pious offspring) for your own selves beforehand. And fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad)."Contrary to the mindset held by some, sex in Islam is not a taboo subject, there are numerous references to the topic in the Hadith (sayings) of the Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him (PBUH). The real question that should be asked is that if He was able to discuss it and give guidance to his followers then why can't our "elders" or leaders of the community do the same?
There is a Hadith in which the Prophet (PBUH) specifically warns people against discussing the intimate details between them & their partners with others. However that warning does not extend to acquiring knowledge about sexual acts, the fact that the Prophet (PBUH) gave guidance about sexual relations proves that.
The one thing that should be absolutely clear before progressing with this topic is that sex in Islam is only permissable between a husband and his wife, this is the legal means by which both can satisfy their desire.
Desire is a key word here as sex in Islam is not just a means of pro-creation but it is considered an act of charity. For example the Prophet (PBUH) said the following with regards to sex;
"And when one of you makes love (has sex) it is a rewardable charity"The companions of the Prophet were surprised and asked him
'How come the one of us answers the urge of his desire and out of this gets the reward of a charity?'. To which the Prophet (PBUH) answered:
"Don't you see that if he does the same but in a forbidden situation it would be counted against him as a sin? And so if he does it in legitmacy it is counted for him as a charity" (Muslim)Far from the taboo status accorded to it by some, particularly in the Indo-Pakistani community, sex is in fact a rewardable act in Islam.
In fact delving deeper into the subject one learns that there is guidance relating to matters which would make even the hardiest of "elders" squirm with discomfort. Foreplay, physical appearance of Husbands/Wives to each other and even orgasm are just some of the topics for which there is Islamic guidance. In fact one of the most revealing facts about all this is the attentiveness that's shown towards Womens' needs and wants.
For example it is a widely held misconception that it is the wife's duty to keep herself beautiful for the pleasure of her husband. This would be ample ammunition to satisfy any Islamophobe's hunger however the fact is that in Islam Husbands are also required to maintain their physical appearance and maintain an attractiveness for the satisfaction of their wives. Surprised?
Foreplay is a concept that many of you will have heard of, often through TV programmes that I mentioned earlier i.e. Friends etc. No doubt some will shun talk of foreplay within an Islamic context but how does that position reconcile with the following hadith?
"Let not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast (camel) falls. It is more appropriate to set a messenger afore the act"In plain English the Prophet (PBUH) instructed men not to proceed immediately to intercourse but instead engage in foreplay with their wives beforehand. It is no generalisation to state that the Western World has only recently come to discuss this topic however it's revealing to see that Islam enocuraged the concept of foreplay 14 centuries earlier in the heartland of Arabia.
Now let's tackle a concept that's bound to make some people very uncomfortable, what does Islam teach us about orgasm?
A very important lesson as it turns out as narrated in the following hadith;
"If any of you has sex with his wife let he be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before her then he shouldn't hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure" (Anas)It's worth reminding readers again that this is guidance from 14 centuries ago. Many talk about women's sexual liberation and that this was attained in the 60s and 70s, that's rubbish! Islam provided this for women but within the pure environment of marriage.
The hadith above needs little interpretation but it clearly highlights the importance placed on a woman's desires, her needs and wants during sexual intercourse.
These are just some of the examples of references availale to us which highlight the important of sexual education from an Islamic viewpoint. Why is it then that we still seem to be frightened to discuss it or worse still consider it wrong to bring up the topic with our parents.
To consider such discussions wrong is a viewpoint that is most certainly at complete odds with Islam but one that I have found to be firmly entrenched in the Indo-Pakistani mindset.
Fathers would probably say that it would be wholly inappropriate to discuss such matters with their children, is that so? Where is the proof in Islam to back this up?
If anything there is proof to show Fathers discussing matters of sex with their children. For example one of the most loyal companions of the Prophet (PBUH), Umar Ibn Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) asked his daughter how long a woman could stay away from her husband? After consulting his daughter he passed a law whereby fighting soldiers should be given leave to come home every 6 months to be with their wives.
Here is an example of one of the most pious of Muslim men asking such a question of none other than his own daughter? Yet unfortunately in this day and age we have fathers who daren't touch the topic with their sons, never mind daughters.
The examples presented above are by no means an exhaustive set of rules and guidance relating to sex in Islam so if you require a full and thorough understanding of sexual matters in Islam then please refer to your local Imaam or one who you know is comfortable discussing these matters. UK based readers may also wish to do this via the internet taking advantage of the new service allowing you to get Islamic advice for a small fee from scholars at Al Azhar University Cairo,
click here to visit El Hatef Islam.
An important question that you may wish to raise after reading all of the above is, 'why did I choose to write on this topic?'
The reason for this is that, Insha'Allah, I will soon be married however the questions relating to sex were always in my head but I was unsure of where to look to get my answers?
It was the same cultural factors mentioned at the outset that kept me from even raising the issue at home so I decided to seek the knowledge myself knowing that I would need to know this information for the time that I finally got married. I am no scholar but everything that I know, I've learnt myself by consulting various sources and Imaams over the past couple of years.
However with my own wedding date fast approaching I saw that it was peak wdding season in the UK. I thought to myself 'I wonder how many of the young couples getting married know the rules relating sex?'
I could assume that they knew, however one of the important lessons I've learnt from life is to never assume anything!
Ask yourseleves, how many times has the topic been discussed in the Mosque?
Nearing the grand old age of 30, I can confirm that the only time I have heard reference to it is once at the Muslim Youth Foundation in Manchester. Sheikh Abu Sundus asked the congregation during the Friday Khutbah (Sermon)
"How many of you know what prayer to recite before you have intercourse with your wife?"Had it not been wholly inappropriate to do so I would have given him a standing ovation for finally raising this important question. I looked round the hall and to my amazment and horror I saw a look of complete bafflement on the faces of some of the congregation some of whom looked old enough to be married. I thought how is it possible that people don't know this most important of details!?
How many times have talks/seminars been held on the matter?
With the wedding season in full swing, i.e. there is quite literally 1 wedding as a minimum taking place every weekend in my local town and I'm sure the same is true on every town and city in the UK.
Is it not therefore incumbent on every Mosque up and down the country to hold sessions every week to talk through the Islamic rulings and etiquettes relating to sex?
They don't have to blatantly use the term 'sex' if they don't want to, there are many subtle names that can be used i.e. "
a Q&A session about a Husband & Wife's responsibilities to one another" or "
Everything you should/need to know about marriage" etc, there are countless ways of presenting the session to discuss this important topic.
Unfortunately to date I have not personally come across any such seminar or talk arranged at any of the Mosques that I've been to in London or the North West.
A person shouldn't have to rely on self education, Parents (incl. Mothers) and Muslim Community Leaders have a
duty to talk to their children/congregation about this very important issue.
You'll notice that all Parents will want their children to get married, sometimes as quickly as possible, but then why do they shirk from the responsibility of educating them or at the very least pointing them in the direction of an Imaam to get the relevant knowledge?
I dread to think how many young men and women go into marriage without full knowledge of the sexual etiquettes and guidance that they must follow?
If they do end up, inadvertently, committing a sin then where does the blame lie? In my eyes the finger of blame lies solely on the parents/community leaders.
It's true that thanks to the internet we have access to information at our fingertips, but does not absolve Parents and Community Leaders of their responsibility to educate their children and congregation?
I have picked on, and some may say unfairly, the Indo-Pakistani cultural values as being the main reason why this topic of discussion is avoided. It may well be the case that other cultures also display a similar level of ignorance/avoidance of the issue however I can't speak for them as I've had no experience of their mindset on this topic.
Islam provides for us a complete way of life, it's a shame therefore that the act of sex, which creates life is left off the agenda when it comes to matters of educating our children. It's time that the cultural baggage which deprives us the opportunity to learn about matters important to us is ditched for good.
It may result in awkwardness but given the choice of feeling uncomfortable or imparting knowledge, then it really is a no brainer which option is better.
The videos below offers some hope that thanks to the growth of Islamic Channels on TV such topics are finally getting much needed airtime, let's just hope no parent picks up the remote and changes the channel!
